Who’s Really to Blame?

Let's take a closer look at how judgment, especially in relationships and families, often says more about us than about those we’re judging.

Issue #38:

Good day and welcome back to The Zen Journal. Today our reflection is centered around a deceptively simple piece of wisdom surrounding finger-pointing.

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Have you ever been deeply irritated by someone, only to realize later that they were reflecting something uncomfortably familiar about yourself?

It’s not just coincidence.

As the old saying goes, “When you point a finger at someone else, three fingers are pointing back at you.” You probably heard it from your grandma first and it probably felt like just another lecture. Turns out, she was onto something.

The behaviors that frustrate us most in others are often traits we’ve worked hard to suppress or deny in ourselves. That’s why they sting.

We notice them quickly not because we’re especially observant, but because we recognize them. We’ve been there. We spot them because we’ve had them. And that familiarity can be uncomfortable, especially when we thought we had grown beyond it.

This reaction is even more intense when those traits are ones we’ve struggled to change. Our discomfort isn’t just about someone else’s behavior, it’s about our own history with it. It’s a reminder of a version of ourselves we’d rather forget, or perhaps a version we’re still learning to forgive.

There’s a powerful saying that captures this perfectly:

If you’re not at least a little embarrassed by who you were a few years ago, you’re probably not growing.

It’s humbling to admit, but it’s also hopeful. It means we’re evolving. Growth doesn’t come from pretending our past was perfect, it comes from reflecting on it honestly and with compassion.

Let’s face it, in many households, blame becomes a kind of sport. Finding fault in others can feel satisfying in the moment. It makes us feel in control, maybe even superior. But it rarely helps.

In fact, it tends to escalate tension, deepen divides and create more problems than it solves.

The next time you feel compelled to criticize someone, try pausing for a moment and asking yourself, “Have I done something similar?” or “Why does this behavior bother me so much?”

More often than not, the answer will point you back to yourself. And that’s not a failure. It’s an opportunity.

That pattern of blame, judgment, and reaction doesn’t exist in a vacuum. In fact, it’s often part of a repeating dynamic that shows up in families, friendships, and workplaces.

One helpful way to understand it is through something called Karpman’s Drama Triangle. It describes three roles people often shift between in emotionally charged situations:

• The Persecutor – pointing fingers and assigning blame.

• The Rescuer – stepping in to fix everything.

• The Victim – feeling powerless or wronged.

These roles aren’t fixed. One moment you might be the one assigning blame, the next you're trying to fix everything for everyone else, and before long you’re feeling misunderstood and mistreated.

It’s a cycle that feeds on itself and it’s exhausting.

The good news is that recognizing the pattern is the first step toward breaking it. And that takes awareness, boundaries, and honesty. With others too, but mainly with ourselves. It also takes a willingness to stop pointing fingers long enough to take a look inward.

Finger-pointing is like throwing a boomerang, it often circles back and hits us where it hurts most. The act of judging others can be a form of projection, a way to avoid something we don’t want to see in ourselves.

But real growth happens when we turn the mirror inward instead of outward. It may not be comfortable, but it’s liberating. It frees us to relate more kindly to others and to ourselves.

Next time you feel that flash of frustration or judgment toward someone, consider the possibility that the person in front of you is holding up a mirror, not a weapon.

What are they showing you? What part of yourself might need a little more patience, or healing, or honesty?

Self-awareness isn’t about shame, it’s about clarity. It’s about learning to hold ourselves accountable without being harsh. It’s about choosing grace over blame and progress over perfection.

It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it. The gentleness we offer others begins with the gentleness we offer ourselves.

Until next time, friends. May you be happy, may you be peaceful, and may you keep growing.

I look forward to continuing this journey with you. Please feel free to share your thoughts, reflections, or questions as I dive deeper into these teachings.

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